Dissolving Stress at Home

I've read Steve Vannoy's excellent book, and I understand the 3 mind factors, but I still find myself saying "No" far too often to my kids. Part of it is the stress I bring home from work - much of which started in the morning before I even left the house. One daughter has to go through 4 outfits before she will leave for school. Another one can never find her shoes. The youngest one doesn't like breakfast. Meanwhile, the time is flying and I'm constantly ragging on them about getting to work on time. When I get home, the "No's" seem to fly out of my mouth automatically. I don't like this at all. What's your suggestion? - No-no Mom.

Thanks for writing. In today's seemingly frenzied world, there is nothing worse than perceiving your children as much of your problem when very likely none of their behavior is directed at you personally nor are they plotting a devious scheme to make your life miserable.

Let's start with the night before where I think you can invest a little time to reap a lot of success and eliminate a lot of stress for the next day. I know you work in a very fast-paced, highly competitive job. Here's an easy, 3-minute process that most people who use it find allows them to drop the "busyness" of their day and approach their home life with ease plus a lot of love and joy. It's called the Homeward Bound Framework which is a series of questions to ask yourself in the transition from work to home. Many people use this exercise before pulling out of the parking lot or on the commute home.

1. What did I learn today that was valuable?
2. What did I do well today?
3. What are the 3 greatest blessings in my life?
4. How can I be the best mom, dad, spouse, best friend I've ever been tonight?

Once you are home, I encourage you to ask the magic question, "What's the best thing that happened to you today?" as a way to get everyone in a positive frame of mind. Be sure to let your family know your own answer to that question too.

Next, give some positive but firm guidelines about what is important to you about how the mornings start for everyone in the family. The 5 Tool Sequence allows you to do that without trying to "fix" the kids but rather create an effective family team.

Especially important for you will be the Teach Tool, which again involves a series of questions. For example, your message might be: "It is extremely important to me to be able to get on the road for my job on time and knowing that you guys are having a great day while we're apart. What do you think I can do to make that happen even better? What do you think you can do? How could I help you do that?" And so forth.

Ask your clothes-conscious daughter what she wants to wear tomorrow. Let her try as many outfits as she wants to that night so she can show them off to you. See if she might limit her choices to two so that she has an opportunity to change her mind in the morning. That's an important step in her learning inner control and responsibility for her decisions. I'm sure you'll come up with appropriate forward focused questions for your other children as well.

I encourage you to reread Chapter 3 of The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children for lots more ideas. Good luck. And please let us know how things progress for you.

Allison St. Claire Parenting from the Heart senior trainer

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Where to Start with a 7th Grader? - FOLLOWUP

Guidelines Followup

Several months ago, an angry distraught mom wanted to know how to better "control" her teenage son, who, as she described him, "always likes to push the limits." We encouraged her to review giving clear guidelines by using the 5 Tool Sequence.

We are pleased to share her results with you, and encourage you to use the same set of tools and techniques in dealing with your stubborn 3 year old, your overly dramatic 9 year old, or your apparently rebellious teenager. Modeling, messages, listening, asking and focus literally know no age when it comes to success!

Here's what DL wrote:

My success deals with my 16-year-old-son who liked to push the limits. After learning about giving guidelines and the 5 Tool Sequence, we sat down with him and gave him loving messages about the guidelines on when to be home, when he could be on the phone, etc. He's been very willing to follow them because he knows the benefits to him if he does follow them. He even questions me if I say something that isn't exactly as we've discussed. He wants to know why, and what the clear path is to follow. So far we've had no problems with getting home late, or he asks and lets me know where he is.

Kids really do want set guidelines and limits. After all, they are really good kids.

Thanks for your feedback DL. It's also great to see you now seeing him and acknowledging him in degrees of strength - what he's doing well instead of where he's probably going to mess up again.

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Tribute to a Real Dad

This Father's Day is for all of you Real Dads out there. Real Dads who sit up all night with sick toddlers, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid. Real Dads who freeze their buns off on metal bleachers at football, soccer, and Little League games. For the Real Dads who read Blues Clues every night and never skip a word. Real Dads who teach their daughters how to change the oil and their sons how to do the laundry.

Did you ever notice how much more is written about mothers than fathers? Before Mother's Day, newspapers, magazines, and the internet abound with all sorts of inspirational pieces on motherhood, extolling the virtues of womanhood. We even have a Women's History Month.

Try to find something about dads or fatherhood, however, and the pickings are slim. The male of our species is generally portrayed as a self-centered buffoon who can't find his way out of a paper bag. No inspirational pieces for him, no sir! Instead, there's stuff like: "Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions."

A few years back I wrote a book of church program ideas, covering all the holidays. The gender-conscious editors removed every reference to men, changing all the male pronouns and nouns to gender-sensitive words. "Manhood" became "personhood;" "chairman" was edited to "chairperson." They even took out my Fathers' Day program and made it "Parents' Day." Strangely, "womanhood" remained womanhood, and Mothers' Day stayed Mothers' Day. Go figure.

Sure, men will never experience childbirth. But on the positive side, they can open all their own jars. They can leave the motel bed unmade. Their last name stays put. Their underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. They don't have to shave below their neck. They can do Christmas shopping for ten relatives, on Christmas Eve, in 45 minutes. Their phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. The world is their urinal. It must be great to be a man!

All this bickering about the sexes is ridiculous. Everyone knows that the war between the sexes will never be won. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. We of the so-called weaker sex are actually the stronger sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for those of us of the weaker sex.

At the risk of being maudlin, I'd like to go on record this Fathers' Day and extol the virtues of the person of the stronger sex who lives at my house.

If "Real Men" truly deserve all the put-downs and insults that are written about them, then God put a Real Gem in our family, because none of those cliches' are true of him.

He was only married a few years when his young wife became ill. For 12 years, he cared for her and their four children. Without complaint, he did the laundry, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, and went to work. When the brain tumor finally claimed his wife's life, he assumed the role of mother and father, becoming the sole nurturer for his children.

Later we married and he added me and my three children to his list of people to care for. When our daughter Becky came along a year later, his quiver was full -- nine of us dependent upon his loving care. And loving care we got!

I've had more breakfasts in bed than the Queen of England. He still does laundry, cooks, bakes bread, cleans house. He's one of those tough, tender guys who looks virile and masculine while doing "woman's work." He's just as at home mopping floors or changing diapers as he is building houses, fixing electrical short circuits, or yanking the generator out of our motor home.

He's a "man's man," totally comfortable among his masculine peers, yet he's just as comfortable exchanging recipes with the women at a church potluck. In short, he knows who he is, and doesn't try to live up to somebody's false image of what a "real man" should be.

While he knows how to use every tool invented by man (and owns most of them!), he knows he only needs two tools, WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, he uses the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, he uses the tape. He believes duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Traveling with him is pure joy, because he never gets flustered, angry, or mad at my back seat driving. He's one of those truly happy people who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And shopping with him is pure delight. Not one to rush through the store, he loves to ponder the bargains. If he finds a dress on the rack in my size, he scoops up a bundle in every color.

Unlike George Forman, only one of our sons bears his father's name. But four of our grandkids have a derivative of John for a name, and five more have Grandpa's initials -- graphic testimony to how much our kids revere their Dad.

My two sons repeatedly thank me for choosing such a great guy to be their father, and all of our daughters think he walks on water (I tell them he just knows where the rocks are!). And the grandkids? A card from a six-year-old granddaughter sums it up: "I love you so much -- evne mere thin icecem, Love, Laney."

So this Father's Day is for all of you Real Dads out there. Real Dads who sit up all night with sick toddlers, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid. Real Dads who freeze their buns off on metal bleachers at football, soccer, and Little League games. For the Real Dads who read Blues Clues every night and never skip a word. Real Dads who teach their daughters how to change the oil and their sons how to do the laundry.

Real Dads who are as comfortable buying feminine hygiene products as they are in a hardware store. Real Dads who aren't embarrassed to shed tears of joy, frustration, sadness, or while watching romantic movies. Just like a diamond that's almost perfect, the gem who lives at my house has but one little flaw. He still leaves the toilet seat up.

Adell Harvey loves the Real Dad in her house for a thousand reasons.

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Where to Start with a 7th Grader?

Suggestion:

First of all, it would be great if you and your husband could read/discuss the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children" together. An aligned parental effort can be immensely powerful over time.

Second, you might consider shifting from trying to fix bad behavior to building on good behavior. Seek out what he is doing right and praise him using the 3 S's of Yeses. This will build on the good behavior and enhance his self-esteem. Also, you might look for other areas where he is doing well and ask him how he is accomplishing that. If you can garner teacher/coach/mentor support to do these things as well, he would be getting support from all sides.

Third, put the On-the-Path way of Giving Guidelines to work with your husband and follow up with the 5 Tool Sequence. Model the kind of inner and outer behavior you want to see in him. Make sure that every message you send him -- verbal and otherwise -- tell him that he is valuable and competent. Teach by asking him questions and then follow up with deep non-judgmental listening.

Finally, constantly focus on what he is doing right and let him know. I know you are probably already doing much of this, but maybe there are a few helpful hints here you can use. One last thought -- hold yourself and your family in big-time degrees of strength because the changes may take some time to really make an impact.

Please let us know how thing progress with your family. (See Followup Above)

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From Quarrels to Compliments with an Easy Blue Plate Special

My wife got this idea from a magazine, but it feels like what 10 Greatest Gifts does and it seems to be working. This all stems from our children constantly fighting and picking on each other. Our family was out shopping one evening at Wal-Mart. My wife told me that we needed to buy a "Special Plate" to have on hand at our house for supper time. I was confused at what she was saying "Special Plate?"

She went on to tell me that she read an article about a mother who was having troubles with her kids constantly fighting similar to our situation with our kids. The mother came up with a great idea. As she was setting the table for supper with the same white plates, she placed a blue plate in the spot of their youngest child. Of course there were many questions about the different plate at the table. The mother told her children, that the youngest child was using a "Special Plate," and that everyone was to go around the table and express something that they appreciated about that person. This was to go on from night to night, from youngest to oldest (including the parents). It eventually became a part of their regular supper routine.

We have been using this method for approximately a month now, and I must say the results are staggering. It's amazing when children are put to it, how easy it is for them to focus and point out the strengths rather than the weakness about one another.
Rick Hestermann, Lincoln, Nebraska

Thanks so much, Rick, for sharing a simple, inexpensive solution to changing inappropriate and stressful-for-everyone behavior to the loving family you want. For those you care about who may not gather around your dinner table, we suggest you consider using something like the 10GG "What I Most Appreciate About You" pads.

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Alternatives to Video Games

Video Games seek immediate results, uncommon in classrooms or real-life situations, increases impulsiveness and short-circuits patient responses. Games affect the aggression centers of the brain, teach violent solutions, are addictive and de-emphasize verbal responses.

TAKE BACK YOUR KIDS - TV AND VIDEO GAMES ARE HARMFUL TO THEIR HEALTH!

Every Christmas, I've gotten harassed by my children to purchase for them the favorites that their friends had, like Nintendo, GameBoy, PlayStation 1+2 -- computer games about war, battles, violence, wrestling and gangs.

Every Christmas I remained pat with my non-compliance and became unpopular with my refusals in my home and even in the homes of my relatives. I did not succumb to the trendy fixations and believed that they really "burned brain cells." I really just guessed at that reason, but had a premonition that I was on track with their development. Through the years, I received criticism from cousins, their children, my kids were made fun of a bit, but I did not give in, believing that there were better alternatives and legitimate reasons to buck the trends.

Even now, as they have grown, I still believe these gimmicks have potential damaging effects on behavior, brain development and socialization. Certain XBox games have become R rated and are involved with those "real life" scenarios of prostitution, car thefts and gang warfare. Has it gone a bit too far, from the glory days of playing Pong on the big screen?

So I decided to learn more about these new technological games by visiting a typical grade 7 classroom of 31 students to have them open my eyes. I discovered that the games are getting more violent, more expensive, laced with sex and drug language and are of no major concern to the typical 12 year old. I also discovered that 30 out of 31 had access to these in some form on a daily basis and many had the machines in the private confines of their bedrooms. Also, I was alarmed to hear that only one student had any restrictions by their parents on the number of hours of use. WOW!

Wake up Tom. Get with it, see what has happened since you retarded the growth of such an industry from your household. I felt like a Neanderthal parent. Call me Barney Rubble! (Flintstones if you didn't know prehistoric times!)

Being perplexed by the popularity and lax attitude about this phenomena, I decided to embark on a research project to see if I was truly correct about these " burnt brain cells." So off I searched on the Internet and various books looking for the truth. This is what I discovered.

CURRENT STATS IN THE USA

Some startling ideas, I also became aware of are:

TV WATCHING

VISUAL IMAGERY

a) Violent imagery can directly increase violent behavior among young males.
b) If the brain is bombarded with certain images, it will imprint these images.
c) Media stimulants are more powerful than the brain's self-protection because they are faster, addictive and rely on "fixed eye movement," which lulls the brain into a state of relaxation, making it "off guard." The brain is more susceptible and "zoned out."
d) Human neuroendocrinological systems respond to external stimulants to regulate hormonal flow. While a male's testosterone level surges based on preset genetic pattern, it also surges in response to external stimulants, such as violent games, competition, sexual imagery. We catalyze their adolescent neuroendocrinological system earlier than it should be engaged. We make little boys into biological adolescents who still have little boys' minds.

ALTERNATIVES

From all of that research from authors like, Michael Gurian, Michael D. O'Brien, William Pollack and Thompson and Kindlon, I guess I wasn't that far off in my reasoning. So, if you believe me and my research brothers about child and brain development, what are your alternatives?

First. don't throw it all out and really anger your family. Monitor their viewing, playing and make sure it is only an hour per day. Get rid of the violent and suggestive material.

Second, take all of the visual imagery technology out of their bedrooms. Family viewing leads to better relationships and better monitoring.

Third, turn off the TV when company is over or during all meals.

Fourth, take back the Mom and Dad roles of storyteller, reader, adventurer, sports enthusiast and get outdoors with them on a consistent basis.

Fifth, don't rely on the Boob Tube as the babysitter, but involve your children in activities that will increase their relationship with you and keep them occupied in discussion and relationships.

Good Luck! A little research goes a long way. Try to do more studies about the permanent fixtures in your home, just as you would a fine microwave or air conditioner. Technological advances can be beneficial today, and they can also be detrimental, but read the fine print; "contents may be harmful to your children."

Tom McNorton is a certified 10 Greatest Gifts facilitator based in Windsor, Ontario.

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Resolutions

Since using the 10 Greatest Gifts tools and concepts means being a proactive parent, we'd like to suggest the following resolutions for a happy, healthy family new year.

1. I'll smile at myself in the mirror every morning. Think of how much you can brighten everyone's life, even for just a brief moment you might have contact with them. A smile to a stranger says "I see you, I respect you, I hope your day is going well." To your child, a smile says louder than any words "I love you, thanks for being in my life."

2. I'll remember to turn on the imaginary video camera. This will follow you all day long as your children watch and listen to everything you do. You are the model they will most emulate for the rest of their lives. What you live is what you give to them as the blueprint for a meaningful life.

3. I'll ask everyone in my family, and as many other contacts I can: "What's the best thing that's happened to you today or this week or this year? It's a magic question that eliminates hours of having to listen to whining or getting empty answers that communicate nothing.

4. I choose to truly listen to everything said to me. Even for just a few seconds if the message sent is nothing more than "Good morning," or "How are you?" or "Where's my blue shirt?" Eye contact, a vocal response, any obvious acknowledgment that what that person said is important and you heard it. What a gift to everyone!

5. I'll find even more opportunities today to use a magic moment. When you choose to choose rather than rush to react, almost certainly you will chose a high road response that moves everyone forward rather than a low road response that hurts and almost guarantees the issue will keep happening, even escalating, over and over again.

6. Today I will make sure I set up everyone I can for success rather than failure. Using questions, listening, forward focus, lending a helping hand - so many little gestures will add up to a magnificent result for all of you. Imagine the difference in your child's day if they leave home hearing: "What are you most looking forward to today?" or "You studied hard for that test. I know you're going to do your very best." What will their day be like if instead they heard: "You're going to be late. You're so lazy." "I don't think you studied nearly enough for that test today." "Don't forget your lunch again."

Six simple resolutions. None requires any extra schooling or heavy lifting. None will cause you to gain weight or max out your credit cards. These resolutions are the absolutely free and positively priceless gifts you have to give over and over again, all day, everyday.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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(You can read more about these concepts in the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children," or see both explained more thoroughly in the 10 Greatest Gifts Toolkit.)