From Failure to Fabulous Family

This month we'd like to introduce you to a single mom and what this parent did to completely reverse a sliding-downhill-fast situation with her young son. Betty, not her real name, used 10 Greatest Gifts tools with love and commitment - and achieved incredible results.

***

My son, now almost 7, had been diagnosed ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). He attended a private preschool and kindergarten and did very well. The classes were small and they interacted a lot with the teacher. However, for first grade we moved him to public school because he wanted so badly to be with his neighborhood friends. I thought this was reasonable.

For most of this year we have had calls and notes about his behavior in class and at recess. Mostly it involves 'off task,' needing constant redirection and that sort of thing. Occasionally, though, there were aggressive acts where he hit or pushed another kid in anger or talked back to his teacher because he was upset. I was truly at the point where I dreaded going home from work. If I could come up with a reason to work late - I did. I was just so tired of walking in the door and being bombarded with "...did this and this and this again today."

I know my son can be a handful, I am not a blind parent. But I swear sometimes I felt as though he was being targeted and getting in trouble for stuff that is pretty typical for most 6 year olds. I am probably one of those over protective parents as I get really defensive when I start hearing the 'bad' things about my kid - but I am also pretty hard on him about that stuff myself.

We cycled downward - him in trouble, me angry, and back and forth in a vicious dance of escalating stress and nothing accomplished. Then the final blow - he was suspended for two days from first grade. I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. What kind of parent raises a 6 year old that gets suspended from school, especially in first grade?

At this same time I had just finished my 5 day Pathways to Leadership program and was trying to change how I interacted with my son. It was a long slow journey for both of us (and is still underway)!

But the good news is that I have changed how I talk to him and how I listen to him about his day. I do not focus on the negative. If he has notes about his 'inattention' and those sorts of things, we don't dwell on it. I approach it with an "Okay so that happened today - and we'll try to do better tomorrow." If he wants to talk about it we do, if he doesn't we don't!!

Instead I ask what was good, what was fun - who did he eat lunch with, who and what did he play (with) at recess. I try to keep it a positive focus. Well, school is almost over for this year, but he no longer brings notes home, his spelling grade average has increased back up to 98% (it had dropped to 88%) and his math and science grades are A's! He likes to go to school (most) mornings - this used to be a battle! A small success that I hope to help him continue!

I used several tools. I asked my son how he felt about what was going on, what he thought was a good plan to try and how we might stick to that plan and why it was important to "turn things around." I also used the "true listening" skill which, to me, was key! I had been a very bad listener when it came to my son.

He's six, he jabbers a lot about what seemed like nothing before. Now, while I still don't have time to truly listen as much as I should, I do better. When he is telling me something I look at him, I stop what I am doing and I let him finish then, I respond so he knows I heard him. I don't respond with an 'mmhmm' or an 'oh really' but with a question tell me more, why was that fun or cool? What did you do then? I want him to know I care about his day. It's been great!

What's been the value to my family? My son is happier, talks to me more about his day - as opposed to just saying he did OK today. I don't work late so much any more, and we spend more time together!

What was the cost of sticking to the old way? My entire relationship with my son was in jeopardy.. His education was already suffering and his outlook on life was negative. He had always been a very happy, bright child to be around and he had turned sullen, angry and defiant. Remember he's only 6! Alarms and red flags went off in my head - something had to change. Surprise, Surprise that something was ME! Thanks Pathways! I'll keep you posted - I have much progress to make yet and we will be a fabulous little family!

Betty, Lincoln, Nebraska

(You can read more about these concepts in the book "The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children," or see both explained more thoroughly in the 10 Greatest Gifts Toolkit.)